Re-establishing Trust

In the Profitable Growth Partners Boot Camp for Managers program we start with a session on "Building Trust" and one of the questions that often comes up is "Can trust be re-established once broken, and if so how?" The short answer is "yes," however the first thing to remember: Trust is established by one’s action not words. What you do has a far greater impact than what you say. As Stephen Covey says,

“You can’t talk yourself out of a problem you’ve behaved yourself into.”

So, when trust has been broken, it will take repeated, consistent and positive behavior to prove one’s trustworthiness. This takes time. The amount of time will depend on the nature and seriousness of the breach of trust and the risk-tolerance (willingness to be vulnerable and trust again) of the person with whom you are trying to re-establish trust. Obviously, the more serious the breach and the less risk-tolerant the parties, the longer it will take.

Consider this as you develop an action plan to repair trust:

a. Are the parties involved more or less risk-tolerant?
b. Was the trust broken by a breach of character or a breach of competence? A breach of character (lying, being disrespectful, intentionally withholding information, covering up mistakes, blaming or bad-mouthing others, breaking a commitment) is more difficult to repair than one of competence (failing to deliver, ignoring reality, not taking responsibility, creating vague expectations).

The next thing to consider: who has broken trust? You? Or someone important to you? Or both?

You as Trustee: You’ve inadvertently broken trust with someone that matters. How do you go about repairing it? Think about ways to put deposits back into that individual’s emotional bank account. Try to learn what’s important to that person, since everyone’s emotional bank account is different.

Every situation is indeed different, but here are some basic guidelines when you’ve broken trust:

• Straight talk: try having an upfront, respectful and caring conversation with the individual. Admit your mistake and apologize, without blaming others or making excuses. Take responsibility for your own actions! (Don’t expect miracles from this conversation – it’s only the beginning).
• Benevolent Caring/Listening: let the individual know that the relationship is indeed important to you. Ask them how they feel, and what they need from you to re-establish trust.
• Make a commitment that you can and will keep and that has meaning for the individual. (don’t over-promise)
• KEEP THE COMMITMENT (over-delivering on the commitment is even better).
• Show loyalty in little ways: speak positively and supportively of the individual to others, never negatively. Let the individual hear from others how you respect him. Give him direct credit where it is due. Offer help and support when needed. (Make sure you mean it or it will ultimately backfire).
• Make another commitment.
• KEEP IT!
• Always communicate openly and honestly.
• Make another commitment.
• KEEP IT!

By behaving in the above manner, you are carefully making deposits into the individual’s emotional bank account. Over time, your behavior/actions will demonstrate your sincerity and integrity, hopefully re-establishing trust.

You as Truster: Someone important to you has broken your trust. What can you do?Once again, the best action plan will vary depending on the nature of the breach of trust and the risk-tolerance of the individuals involved. One more variable comes into play in this scenario: does this person have the motivation, the integrity and the capabilities to regain your trust?

Scenario A. Yes, the Trustee has the motivation, integrity and capabilities to regain your trust. Here are some basic behavior guidelines for you to create an environment for re-establishing trust:

• Straight Talk - have an open, honest conversation with the individual. Let him know the relationship is important to you. Tell him calmly and respectfully how his behavior made you feel (don’t get angry!). Ask if you did anything that might have triggered the behavior. This is a good way to take the individual off the defensive and show that you care. And you might find out you did do something.
• Show Respect – display a caring attitude that is respectful.
• Clarify Expectations – be clear about what it will take to re-establish your trust.
• Accept Commitments – encourage the individual to make a commitment and then accept it.
• Extend Trust – if re-trusting this individual is important to you, then be willing to take a risk and extend trust. Give the benefit of the doubt.
• Provide feedback – show appreciation when commitments are kept; clarify expectations when they are not.
  

Scenario B. No, the Trustee does not have the motivation, integrity or capabilities to re-gain your trust. This is a trickier situation.

• Apply Scenario "A" action plan above to “test” the individual. Your perceptions just might be wrong and a behavioral change on your part could create the right positive environment for this individual to change.
• If Scenario "A" fails and your original perceptions are verified, consider the following action.- Continue to talk straight, show respect and clarify expectations. Never stoop to the other’s unethical, distrusting behavior. Maintain a high integrity profile around this individual.- Be cautious of extending trust or expecting commitments to be met. Manage your expectations regarding this person’s ability or willingness to help you meet your goals.- If you are in a position to do so, consider a restructure that removes this individual from your team or your organization. An individual who cannot be trusted can be like shattered glass in an organization, hurting everyone in small, unseen ways.

Claire Zevalkink

Managing Partner

Profitable Growth Partners, LLC.